enLIGHTEN UP

   

January 24, 2010

 

 

Dear Audrey,

 

It seems strange to be typing this for you and posting it on the internet.  I somehow feel that handwriting is more permanent, as if a letter isn’t a proper letter unless it’s written with a good pen on stationery; but you are in my arms right now, sleepily nursing and I’m in front of the computer.  That is the nature of being your mother while homeschooling your 7-year-old brother, keeping us clean (mostly) and fed while your father works crazy hours on his books: compromise.  Maybe one day our lives will be more orderly, but not today.  Today there is wet laundry waiting to go into the dryer and countless things in our house not away simply because we have not figured out where to put them.  I have to say the disorder makes me a little crazy, but if my choices are fold laundry or write this to you, I choose to write.

 

Today you are four months old.  You arrived with both more and less drama than we expected, but have given us very little trouble since.  You are a happy, easy baby.  I look at you and wonder how we rolled the dice and got you.  So many other babies are colicky, have health issues or worse.  The worse you do is spit up.  OK, so you spit up a lot, so much so that in your first month you didn’t gain very much weight.  You had me wondering if I would make enough milk for you.  With your brother I had a problem making enough – he constantly wanted more.  Now faced with a baby spitting up all the time I didn’t know if I could make double the volume, but we’ve managed.  I made enough that by your second month you were gaining well and suddenly when you were three months old you started getting those wonderful fat baby thighs.  Now at four months you’ve never had anything but breast milk (excepting that first day’s taste of rice milk). You’re still spitting up but it has improved a bit. Some people wonder if it has something to do with my diet, but the pediatrician says not to worry much, she says you probably have an immature esophageal sphincter muscle and the constant spitting up will clear up in a few months as it gets stronger.  The spitting up has gotten better just in time for the advent of the drooly months.  You haven’t started getting teeth, but I bet the drool is the start of teething.

 

You’re developing just as is to be expected, smiling and laughing at all the appropriate times, doing baby pushups, trying to turn over.  You laugh and kick and have learned how to arch your back just so, so that I have a hard time getting you strapped into your car seat.  You spend plenty of time in that seat, wandering around after your brother. You’ve been on more subways, seen more museums, and have been nursed all over the city.  You are calm and resilient, rarely getting fussy and happily going about your day, wherever we happen to be.  Of course part of that is because we’re still nursing on demand, with me putting you to my breast whenever you get upset.  That might change soon, since I’m going to start enforcing more of a nursing and bedtime routine.  I want to start getting you used to going to sleep at a decent hour (8 or so), maybe even in your crib.  Up until now, in the evenings you nurse and sleep and are a little bit active on and off until about 11:30, then you go to sleep soundly for a good long stretch. 

 

You are a beautiful baby.  You’ve got sparse red hair (red – where did that come from?!?) and eyes of indeterminate color.  They keep changing.  Just yesterday they were an amazing gray-brown with hints of lavender at the edge. 

 

You are small – 12 and a half lbs as of a few days ago, I am only just putting away some of the newborn clothes you’ve outgrown.

 

But what all these little facts don’t express is how you have this magic power to transform us.  Your brother is over the moon in love with you.  He an incredibly exuberant kid, and he is remarkably gentle with you.  His heart has grown in ways I could never have imagined.  You have the power to take me out of myself.  You are the perfect zen meditation.  I can look at you and let the rest of the world drop away, leaving me staring into your eyes during a single perfect moment of loving gazes and gummy grins.  As for your father, I should let him speak for himself, but from my perspective, it seems like he has gained a measure of confidence he didn’t have before.

 

We loved that you are finally with us and I can’t wait to see you grow.

 

Love,

 

Your mother, Yamila

We've just hit our first anniversary of homeschooling. We've both learned lots. Rocketboy is now reading fluently, manipulating numbers handily, and is far more loving and confident. Me, I've gained huge amounts of patience and have tried to let go and have fun. We've found a great community of homeschool families. There's so much good support!

In September we added a new baby to the mix. While homeschooling is fulfilling and we're happy with it, homeschooling with a new baby is tiring. We started out the year sticking to a created-by-someone else curriculum, we ended the year much more in the unschooling camp, but I don't know how satisfying that is. As much as I've relaxed about a lot, I still feel the need to quantify his learning, or at least check the box "done" when we've completed a lesson. Besides, homeschooling without the curriculum requires much more thought and organization on my part and right now I'm a bit too tired to do it all.

Tomorrow I'll sit down and rearrange our schedule a bit. One class I had hoped for got canceled, and another is filled. I have mixed feelings about it, since these days I'd rather not spend so much time traipsing around the city with an infant and a super energetic 7 year old. In the fall we were heading to classes at least four days of the week. A few more days at home this semester is fine. Really.

This week we have one outing to the Museum of Art & Design, but the rest of the week is home. We've been reading and doing workbook stuff. Rocketboy loves reading to his baby sister, so I have him read her new book every day. We are adding one new major activity this semester: language. I got him a Spanish & French game for Christmas. He'll have some good computer time with that, and once a week we'll be heading to the main library to put in some time with the Rosetta Stone, followed with a Spanish immersion playdate. Between those things and having him help me teach the baby Spanish, I hope to get him more familiar with the rhythms of another language. I'm not expecting to really get him to learn Spanish right now. I think it's way too confusing a time for him to really learn another language - we're currently grappling with all the exceptions to the rules of English which often leave me answering "I know it doesn't make sense, but that's the way it is."

I have no idea what else to expect out of our year. I feel like as long as we're in NYC (and as long as we can stand being a one-income household), we'll be homeschooling. In the meantime, we're staying open to learning anything and everything that comes our way.

Happy New Year!

We're doing alright.  In fact better than average in all those ways most parents of newborns aren't.  We sleep, mostly because nursing this child has been a breeze: no pain and side-lying nursing since the second week. It's the ultimate in lazy childcare and allows me to do my late night feedings by simply rolling over, latching her on, and going back to sleep while she gets her fill. We're nursing on demand. and she demands a lot, mostly because she spits up most of what she eats.  Luckily, I'm producing enough, but I haven't been able to stash much.

Rocketboy is loving having a sister and is handling the change pretty well.  He says she's annoying because she sleeps so much and he's not allowed to kiss and hug her when she's sleeping.  I promised she would be more interactive soon enough.  I also promised myself that I remind him about wanting to give her more hugs and kisses in a few years when he gets really annoyed at her.

She's been traipsing around the city since her third week, since I couldn't exactly take it too easily what with Rocketboy's full homeschooling schedule.  It's foolish that they call it homeschooling, most of our school takes place anywhere but home.  Luckily my energy is back to normal.  Half the time we head out with a stroller and the rest of the time I keep her in a carrier.  I think I need to get a new carrier ('cause the 4 that I have aren't good enough).  The slings are not comfortable enough to be out and about all day, but are great for around the house or a little extra nusing support for when I need both hands; the Bjorn kills my back and is something Steve always liked better than me (center of gravity maybe); the moby is incredibly versatile, but is crazily long and made of heavy fabric - not practical to put on or adjust while out and about since the tails drag and this in not the cleanest of cities. I might get a Beco Butterfly or a Pikkolo.  I'm still trying to tease out which one has the best design for my needs.  I'm leaning Pikkolo since it has more carry options, but the Beco is just that much more attractive and is less expensive. I'm being shallow again, but the Beco is just sleek and cool looking (as for as any baby carrier can be).

I've been able to handle both of them pretty well and I only get overwhelmed at night.  I used to be able to be an actual functioning adult after Rocktboy's bedtime, but now I can't count on that since Audrey loves to nurse then.  As a result, my house is a mess and I don't get much time to do anything but childcare.  It got really bad last week and I found myself wishing for a day off from children so I could clean the bathroom and put away all the laundry - how pathetic is that!?!

As much as I'm doing nothing but childcare, Steve is doing nothing but work.  If you average it out, as a family we're balanced, but as individuals we each only get one dimension in our lives.  I can't imagine this being sustainable, since Steve misses being dad and I miss having an intellect.  In the meantime, we're hanging on while trying to make plans for how to change things so we can both be more evenly fulfilled. For now we still have no clue how to achieve that, but at least we've come a long way in identifying what we want. 

Asking the right questions is often harder and more crucial than finding an answer.

So we're out of balance, but our children are disarmingly cute, so we'll keep at it.

Audrey Enora Luna Ellis
Born Sept 24th
6:55 am
7lbs, 9oz
19.5” long
just under 5 hours of labor
 
( Cut because it's really long and a little gross )

For those of you keeping score, still no baby.  Still no signs of impending baby, other than my giant belly. She hasn't dropped more and I haven't had any of the other TMI signs of labor.

I see my midwife tomorrow early in the morning for all the usual checks.  As long as everything seems in order, we'll just wait and let the baby arrive when she feels good and ready.  Steve and I had a long long talk tonight about hopes, dreams, fears, and about creating a family manifesto.  Maybe now that some of those issues are aired, there's less to get in the baby's way and she can come sailing into our lives.

I decided since everything else is done, I'd knit her something.  I'm making a tiny hat with the softest cotton ever, leftover from a previous project.  I'm trying to do it as a meditation for her, talking to her as I knit, but I'm having a hard time staying focused and my mind keeps wandering everywhere but to her. I'm also being a bit superstitious and wondering if she'll wait till the hat is done to arrive.  Foolish, I know. 

I also ordered a whole mess of cloth diapers and covers, courtesy of Steve's mom.  She had offered to pay for a diaper service for three months, but the only one that serves my area is far more expensive than the service we had last time and gets really mixed reviews.  I couldn't in good conscious let her spend that much when for about a third the cost I could set us up with cloth through potty training (I already had a few covers in various sizes, either from Rocketboy, hand-me-downs, or gifts).  I may buy some more off of a fellow homeschooling mom who is ready to get rid of all the diapers she used for her son's first year.  She's parting with them for a song.  Of course, with my luck, this child will arrive on the same day that the diaper orders come in, leaving me with several loads of prewashing before we can start using them.  It really is the only thing that is not completely set up.  Luckily we have a package of disposables we can use at, especially important for those first tar-like poops.

What really gets to me is that I really don't feel connected to this baby at all.  She's been riding around inside me all this time and I just don't have a sense of who she is.  We aren't even close to knowing a name for her.  Steve has a definite favorite, which I am OK with, but I can't commit because I just don't know her well enough to name her.  My list of possible names keep s growing instead of getting more focused. I lost count after the list grew to 60.  As the reality of her being born gets closer and closer, I'm struck by how little I know about her.  Aside form all the personality stuff, I have no idea (thanks to the cocktail of mixed DNA we both have) what she will look like at all.  Blond, brunette, bald? Who knows what her eye color might be, much less her skin. Some of that is making it harder for me to imagine having her on the outside of my belly, but I have to start thinking about her as an actual human living with us, or I wonder if labor will ever get going the way it should.

And if I keep thinking these thoughts I'll never get to sleep.

G'night all.

I love this! Of course, when the baby finally makes an appearance (any day now, I hope!), it won't be accurate anymore.

From left to right:
Me and the gestating baby
Willow the whippet with her extra-cute ears
My dad
Rocketboy
Steve

The odd thing is that I'm beginning to feel strange about all the millions of photos we have around the house that do not include the baby. Are they incomplete? Wrong somehow? Suddenly irrelevant? I guess that's what happens when your child is late, the house is ready, all the clothes are folded, diapers in hand, freezer stocked, and you start letting your mind wander. You start thinking foolish thoughts.

Here's what Rob Brezsney and his Free Will Astrology cooked up for me this week.

Not exactly a comforting thought when we're sailing past the baby's due date. Nothing needs to get accelerated right now & things aging in my uterus is not a good thing.

Of course if this means a quick labor, that would be great. Just not too quick. I'm supposed to be in Central Park tomorrow for the annual "not back to school" homeschool picnic. It would take me 45 minutes to get home. Hmm, wondering if it's wise. Worst case scenario, I hop a cab home.

"There's a device on the market that claims to age wine very quickly. The makers of "Clef du Vin" say that by using their simple technology, you can "accelerate the aromatic development of the wine's flavor and soften its structure." So dramatic is the supposed effect that "one second of the device in the wine is equal to one year's age." I believe that you now have the metaphorical equivalent of this marvel, Virgo. This temporary talent won't work on wine, but it could perform wonders with other processes that would benefit from having their evolution expedited. "

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Of course there's no way of knowing when the child will actually arrive . . .

I have never been this pregnant before.  Rocketboy was two weeks early, so he arrived before all those end stage pregnancy symptoms settled in.  Last time I never got to that point where I was saying "I can't wait to stop being pregnant."  It was pretty pleasant and easy the whole time.

This time the pregnancy has been more, um, typical, I guess? Even so it has still been very easy and in some ways easier that the first time when I experienced miserable hip pain for 6 full months.  I've had that a little this time, but really only a few days of pain, not months on end.  Now that I'm at 40 weeks of pregnancy I'm getting that end of pregnancy fatigue.

You'd think I'd be more ready for this, but I'm getting apprehensive.  The longer it takes for her to arrive, the more the reality of the hard work I'll have to do to get her out settles in.

September 11, 2009

Homeschool Year 2, Week 1

Survived the first week, despite my own crushing exhaustion. In terms of getting ready for baby, I’m not quite there yet, so there’s still an extra burden on top of the usual load of school, cooking, and housekeeping. To top it all I had two nights in a row (!) of being social. Needless to say it was just too much. I’ve been tired, super tired.

Even so, we have managed to have good, productive days of school, even if they’re not terribly inspired. We’ve been doing pages from our Learn At Home 1st Grade Workbook – at least 8 pages a day. In addition I’ve had him do independent reading – at least an hour a day. He’s been reading comic books, which I am all in favor of. He loves them and the ones he’s been reading are rather melodramatic, which means he’s asking me about all sorts of words that are far beyond his reading level: here’s a smattering of the words on the first few pages of the Justice League comic he was reading: descended, engulfing, lurked, saturated, overwhelmed, frantically, avail, emerged, petrified, elaborate, utilize. He did well sounding them out and we talked about their meanings and how to figure out their meanings from the context. Not bad for a 6 year old.

This week we also started homeschool soccer again. It felt good to be welcomed and recognized, but I can see that I need to help Rocketboy learn how to play with others. During their free play time I could see he was having a hard time integrating with the others, until the end when he steped away from the rougher boys and had a rocking game of freeze tag with three girls near his own age.

Writing is still a problem – moving him to extreme whining and nearly to tears at least twice this week. I pushed for him to finish the exercises and made sure he got huge amounts of praise when he finally got past the “I can’t do it” wall. The wall we hit on Thursday was particularly bad and getting past it had him happily high-fiving me. I had hoped that success would carry through a good feeling for the next day, but today we hit that can’t do it wall yet again, though with slightly less force, but only slightly.

I have enrolled him in a partner writing course – he gets paired with a 10 year old homeschooler and together they are creating a story, with the 10 year old doing all the actual pencil to paper writing, but with both of them creating the story and illustrating it together. I hope that might help a bit.

We did get to the Botanical Garden earlier this week where he played urban farmer for a couple of hours. We did some fun cooking activities, including making honey cake. I was particularly proud of his desire to figure out how many cookies he needs to make if we each want a cookie for dessert for the next 5 or 6 days. Independently, he grabbed a piece of chalk, drew boxes for each day, drew 3 cookies in each box, then added them all together. Great problem solving!

In all we managed an average of 4.5 hours of lessons each day, despite my exhaustion and distraction these days. I can’t imagine being more tired after the abby is born, but if I am and this week is any indication of what we can accomplish, we should do fine. Especially since I’m planning to incorporate more independent computer lessons. I’ll probably seek out some educational DVDs too that I can pair with lessons. There are so many good science and nature shows. Though more than anything I wish there was a Power of Myth for little kids. I might just show it to Rocketboy anyway, in small chunks with lots of discussion.

I was a little worried about the sudden removal of copius amounts of TV from his life – during the summer break (especially at the end) he was watching plenty. This week he has been allowed to watch in the morning before our 9am start, as long as he eats and dresses without any complaint. That amounts to about 2 or 3 half hour shows each morning. Beyond that he has had 1 or 2 shows in the evening, though for a couple of days there was no afternoon TV at all. I am happy to report there was nearly no complaint about it. I guess warning him well ahead of time worked. He’s such a good kid. As much as I feel like it’s a struggle to deal with his whining and intensity sometimes, in reality (and in comparison to many, many other kids I see) he’s consistent about asking permission to do things and generally accepts when we tell him no. It’s great validation that our strictness about certain things is really paying off.

September 8, 2009

Back to Homeschool!

Today is the first day of school. When we first started this process I imagined that we would just go through the year with no breaks – learning right through the summer. Then I realized that was unsatisfying for us (or at least for me). Just as I don’t want to lose the rhythms of the seasons with the food we eat and the way we interact with the outdoors, I realized I wanted our school year to ebb and flow. I decided to keep with the NYC school calendar, in part because the parks and the libraries have great summer programming that coincide.

This summer was all about using our bodies outside – Rocketboy did Tennis, Track & Field, and Soccer. Every day was filled with some sort of activity. We also logged lots of time reading at the library, gardening a little, having all day playdates at various parks, and visiting a nature center. Before all that really started we got to spend some time in Scotland, walking everywhere, camping, hiking, exploring castles and ancient sites, learning about history. I know the lessons stuck when we were playing Risk on day and I made a comment about Rocketboy spreading his armies a bit thin. His response? “The blue guys are being Bonnie Prince Charlie.”

Rocketboy also got to watch more tv and fend for himself this summer, especially the last couple of weeks when the sports teams were done and I was busy every minute trying to get ready for the baby. It got to be a bit much and he started to get bratty about it. I was oh so happy to remind him that once school starts there will be very little tv in his life. I’m going to be a realist. With a newborn, I probably let him watch a little more than I normally would, but we’re trying to strategize to minimize that.

Today was ostensibly the first day of school, but I’m really not ready for it. We turned his bedroom into a playroom/guestroom with a corner of it dedicated to school. That corner still has some boxes piled around it and I still haven’t put up the chalkboard or corkboard, so some of today, and indeed a little of each day this week, will be dedicated to setting up the classroom.

We are also starting slowly – instead of 4 full hours of class time, we’re doing a little reading and a little easy science today – I’m letting Rocketboy check out the American Museum of Natural History’s Ology site. In the meantime I’m doing some clean up and organizing (oh yeah, and writing this).

We will continuing with our usual method of pulling 30 minute subject cards, continuing until all the cards are done. Usually we go for more than the 30 minutes so a folder full of cards lasts 2 days. I’m also looking into some computer-based learning. He loves using the computer and could do it for hours if I let him. So I’ll harness his power for good, not evil, by getting a few programs he can run on my laptop. Currently I’m looking for Spanish. I might also try to pick up something that involes reading and/or math. I’m trying to be a realist. While I would love to say that I will be teaching him what he needs to know, with a newborn, it’s going to be important to have some time where I can sit him down and let him go independently for an hour or two.

Here’s to a whole new year of adventure!

I fixed it in the entry from last night, but for your viewing convenience, here is the after picture of Jacob's bed, properly converted into little boy secret lair.  Behind the curtain live a million books, a comfy beanbag, all his stuffed animals, and one glow in the dark doodle pad.

So do you remember a few weeks back about my brattiness over the crib and baby shower stuff? Well the long and the sort of it is, no baby shower at all from hypersteve's family and I have a new crib.

The day with hypersteve's family was nice, but uneventful. It would have been a perfect opportunity to have a baby shower, with the whole clan gathering to celebrate the many summer birthdays. We all shared a cake and celebrated a total of 307 years of life. In the late afternoon when the party began to break up and people packed up to go, with no mention of the baby shower, I started to feel a bit disappointed - in them for not having a shower and in myself for getting attached to wanting a celebration. In my effort to stay graceful, I decided to cut out for a while. I hopped in the car and went to the mall by myself, new Visa gift card in hand.

It was a great choice. The mall is such a different world from anything that is part of my normal life that I was able to pull myself out of my own head. I ended up in JCPenney's picking out drapes. They had a great sale: velvet drapes for $9.99 each.  I used them to renovate the boy's bed from this to this.

He has a fabulous secret lair, and the new kids' room coordinates nicely.  In the bottom left hand corner of the image you can see the edge of the new white crib.  I had resolved to use the old one and stop being a brat about it, but it turns out some crucial hardware was missing.  We decided to look for a few days, thinking the baggie full of springs and bolts would show up soon enough.  No luck.  Then one of my neighbors posted on our local listserv that they were selling the same white crib I had been eyeing (for a whopping $40!).   Some things were just meant to be.

The next day we headed back home in time to have an amazing generous group of friends come by to help us get ready for the baby.  We had at least 7 friends working to paint rooms and move furniture, which included dismantling and reassembling a few pieces that would not fit through doorways.  At the end of the day we sat around talking and eating delicious sausage and homemade mac n cheese (my contribution to the day since my painting and furniture moving days are over for now).

Over the course of the next week I worked on the place some more, cleaning, arranging, and dressing up the new rooms. I even decided to skip out on some of my brthday plans (I runed 35 on Wednesday) to keep organizing.  I was on a roll. By the following Sunday our apartment looked better than it ever has.  I had purged quite a bit and organized everything that was left, so even though we now have more furniture (another couch, a giant cube shelf, and a crib, a new coffee table, plus some odds and ends) the whole house feels clearer and less cluttered.  Bigger even.

On Sunday afternoon another great group of friends came by for an actual baby shower.  The men and the kids were left to their own devices either in the (new!) playroom or at the pizza place and park nearby while the rest of us enjoyed a traditional tea.  My dear friend Joanna made finger sandwiches, scones, and an amazing lemon curd berry triffle and we all sat around, ate, talked, and eventually opened gifts. We got some great, truly useful stuff.  I am happy to say that this time around we weren't given a bunch of stuffed animals, which, while fun, are essentially useless.  it helps that we're all a bit older, more experienced, and many of us have kids of our own.  I felt immensely loved, sitting in my refurbished living room, surrounded by friends.  It made me realize that I really don't reach out to them and connect with them nearly enough.  They are all such interesting people with deep passions and great empathy for one another.  I really need to make more of an effort and stop being so insular.

As if the day wasn't full enough, after everyone left I went out to dinner with Joanna and my friend Chris to celebrate an anniversary and our birthdays.  We met 17 years ago, the week before Labor Day, on our first day at college.  Here we all are, in our mid-30s reminiscing about our 17 year old selves.  I had that movie montage of our lives together running through my head.  It could be the pregnancy hormones, since I'm not the sentimental type, but I feel this deep warmth thinking about them and all the things we've gone through.  I'm proud of who we've become.  We are whole now, in ways we could not be at earlier stages of our lives.  We've all been battered in different ways, but we've made it through.  We're imperfect and grayer and all the more beautiful.  It made me fall in love with them all over again.

How Far Along Are You?
36 weeks, 4 weeks to go, except that Rocketboy was 2 weeks early, so you never know.

What's Up Physically This Week?
Getting slow. I'm not used to being slow or needing to take frequent breaks. It could just be the pregnancy, or the unrelenting heat, or the hours upon hours in the car, but all I know is that I start a task and have to stop & rest. I may have a Rocketboy who is full of energy, but what I usually don't mention is that he has a Rocketmom so stopping is not something I'm used to.

Other than that, everything is perfectly normal, including my ankles getting a little swollen No Braxton Hicks contractions at all. I expected them to start by now.

What's Up Emotionally and Mentally This Week?
I met the new, new homebirth midwife. The one who originally took me on ended up in the hospital a few days later with severe back pain. It took her a week to be able to walk. You know when the midwife has trouble dealing with the pain, it must be really bad. She foes not know when she'll be able to deliver again. So now I'm seeing her backup, who is lovely and has strong compelling hands. I was comfortable with her enough to cry and laugh at myself for crying all in one visit. I'm not good with emotions so this is huge for me.

I also decided that I need to laugh more. My life is so filled with duty that I forget to have fun. I rarely get out anymore without Rocketboy so the part of me that relaxes and socializes is suffering from atrophy. I need to have more fun or I'll turn into a dour old lady before my time. I made a conscious decision to start having fun everyday. Today I had two incidents that inspired belly laughs that in the past would have just made me smile. I need more practice laughing, because I am determined to laugh this baby out if me. I want her born into joy & mirth.

I thank my sister & her daughters for this revelation. I saw them last weekend. They laughed at everything, even things that would have pissed me off, like the priest calling her by the wrong name in the middle of the ceremony, just made her laugh. It's as if they can see how down the road when you're not in the moment it will seem funny, so why not just laugh now. They have also had to deal with some seriously unfunny situations in life. Maybe it has given them perspective so they don't get weighed down by the small stuff. Either way, it taught me a lesson. Last year I renamed my LJ to "Enlighten Up" in an attempt to remind myself to stop taking myself so seriously. Here's another step in that journey.

Anything Big Happening In Your Life?
Tomorrow all of Steve's side of the family is getting together. It will be my last time to see them before the baby. Then on Sunday a slew of friends are coming over to help us paint & move furniture to get ready for the babe. All through this pregnancy, it has felt completely unreal. I get the feeling that once the crib is set up and the room looks ready for a baby, it might start to sink in.

Belly Pics:
There are lots from the weddings, but none that I have downloaded. I'll have to get to that this week.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

So I was being a total brat yesterday about getting a new crib when i have a perfectly good one downstairs, waiting for the babe.  I am not proud of myself, but I just got so fixated on wanting to have the room have a particular look.  See, I was imagining an almost entirely white room - walls, crib/bed, rug, etc with one wall painted a calm sagey green and highlights around the room in calm greens and black.  Very monochromatic, very calm.

The problem is that Steve hates sage green and all its variations.  He calls it dull, depressing, and chalky and was thinking something brighter and more fun would be more appropriate.  I was thinking muted and calm seeing as it's supposed to be a room that's just for sleeping.  The kids will have a playroom adjacent to the bedroom and that can be the fun riot of color.  I was going for calm and gender neutral.  The crib we have would not have fit with this at all.  It was just the wrong color and look for the room I had pictured in my head. I was becoming a wasteful, and snippy and completely locked in on this non-existant room in my head.  I just couldn't see past it.

Well, problem solved when I finally let go of the green. What is that the Buddhists say about desire and attachment being the root of all suffering?  Well I'm happy to say that Steve and I achieved color Nirvana in two minutes flat as soon as we said the word purple.  A purple something like this:


It has all the qualities I like about sage green, muted and dusty while still having personality, only without all that terrible green-ness that Steve hates.  I'm also tickled that it's a National Trust historic color.  Suddenly the color of the crib is not an issue.  The brown will look great with this purple and will warm the room up nicely.  Plus, I don't have to be wasteful of a perfectly good crib, offend any family, and I get to spend the money I didn't waste on an unnecessary crib on something else like a cool rug.

Now I need to figure out a way to make Rocketboy's bed work.  He has a loft bed that looks like this:

I was originally thinking about painting or staining the wood and turning the blue panels into chalkboard surfaces.  Now I'm thinking I just need to find some drapes or curtains so I can make Jacob's bed work with the rest of the room while simultaneously creating a secret lair for him.  What kid doesn't want a secret lair?

2 weekends, 2 weddings, 3 grooms, 1 bride, 33 hours driving, 0 working car air conditioners, 10 incidences of traffic stopped due to highway construction, 10 incidences of praising the lord for our GPS, 8 hours of Call of Cthulu gaming, 1 newly planted tree, 1 zillion pounds of local blueberries, 1 container of homemade backyard black currant sauce, 1 newly pregnant dear friend, 6 hours spent lounging at the pool and doing absolutely nothing, 1 Rocketboy in a tux, 0 lost cufflinks (phew!), 1 sister I haven't seen in over 7 years, 4 hours of continuous dancing, 2 nieces all grown up and gorgeous, 2 little nieces I met for the first time, eleventy-million oohs & ahhs over my giant pregnant belly.

It was all good. Very good. Except for the no air conditioning part. That was unfortunate.

I'm in sunny Cleveland right now. We had a late breakfast at the hotel and have a couple of hours to kill before we need to get dressed for my niece's wedding. It's too little time to go out and about and too long to just wait around. So I find myself sitting here doing nothing. It is so unusual for me that it has me unsettled. In fact, the thought occcurred to me that maybe I could go clean out the car and I realized how utterly ridiculous I was being. Sometimes it is actually ok to be unproductive. After the last couple of months of constant building and cleaning and getting ready for baby, I'm just not used to this. I suppose I should enjoy it while I can. So I'm lounging in a chair by the hotel pool enjoying baby kicks. My soundtrack? Steve & Rocketboy splashing and giggling madly.

I feel a little badly that I'm not spending time with my family right now, especially since I haven't seen them in so long, but my energy is low and I'm afraid I would not be a good social person right now. It is good to see them. It's been six years since I've seen my Georgia nieces and 8 years since I've seen my Florida sister. I've only spoken to her twice in those years and I've never met her daughters. That reunion is a little strained, mostly because we're all being a bit reserved. Neither of us is good with emotions and it shows. It's not unpleasant, just tentative. She heard from our other sister that I'm pregnant, and brought me a suitcase full of clothes from her girls. It was an amazingly sweet gesture, especially considering how estranged we've been.

Pregnancy bits:
As of yesterday I hit 35 weeks. That means I have anywhere from 3-7 weeks to go. I am assuming this babe will be on the early side like Rocketboy, but as the time gets closer I'm starting to wonder. I just don't feel as huge. I can still glimpse my feet and I just don't feel as heavy. Last time at this point I was having Braxton Hicks contractions and I was so big that my dear friend Pauline used to hold my belly up with her hands to give me a break.

I haven't felt like I'm hugely pregnant, but now that we're together with all my family oohing and ahhing over my allegedly giant belly, it's starting to sink in some more. The consensus is that I'm getting smaller as my belly gets bigger. Everyone says I look like I've lost weight and that I'm carrying beautifully. I'm hugely pleased that the rest of me looks un-pregnant. It's fun to see the looks on their faces when I turn & they see my belly.

Of course, the neurotic bits are wondering if me getting skinnier is ok. At my last midwife visit, I had actually lost a pound (from 28-32 weeks), but my fundal height was on target and everything about the baby was as it should be, so she was fine with it.

During our long, long drive out here we went through our name list again. We narrowed it down a lot and actually agreed on a couple of names we like best, but we're not telling. If this child is anything like Rocketboy, she'll let us know her preference when we finally meet her.

I'm officiating a wedding this weekend!  Two dear friends got married in California last year in front of a judge, during that brief window of time when it looked like the world wasn't full of bigots.  Exactly one year later they are having a big, quasi-traditional ceremony with their friends and family.

I love the ceremony they have planned and am feeling a bit intimidated about being the officiant.  I'm in awe that they chose me, at the same time I am completely honored and humbled.  I just hope I can fulfill their hopes for the day.  I joke that maybe they wanted to have their own live fertility goddess at the wedding (ok - one pregnancy reference, but that's it, really).

I love that their ceremony is so filled with meaning.  They are getting married outside, under a chuppah, on a platform oriented to the cardinal points, with seating in the round.  The rings will be passed among the guests for individual blessings as guests get up and share their thoughts on love, marriage, and commitment and the couple.  They will exchange personally written vows which will be followed by the very traditional vows we have all heard a million times.  After that, to seal their union, they will plant an oak tree together, incorporating a jar of soil from P's childhood home and a jar of soil from the only place M has ever considered home.

Then they kiss, we all cheer, and a delicious brunch will be served.

I think I might be missing something there, but I'm being too lazy to go to the other room to get my notes.  What I love about the ceremony is that everything that is included, is included because it is meaningful to them, not because of some sense of tradition or some desire to please someone else.  I get the feeling that a lot of my language and my officiating will be about sharing that meaning with everyone in attendance.

For a while I went back and forth about talking about this as a gay marriage and in the end I decided against it.  It's not that their being gay is irrelevant, because their lifestyle has made them who thay are and the wedding itself is an act of courage and defiance against everyone in the world who believes it is worng, but when it comes down to it, the ceremony is about love and commitment, and the fact they they are two men is dwarfed and made insignificant by the immensity of their love.

I still have to flesh out the script that I have for the ceremony, but in the last couple of weeks I haven't been able to carve out the proper headspace for it.  I want to be in a calm, meditative, aware space when I work on this.  it would be shortchanging them to do it otherwise, but between the construction and rearranging in the house, and the days filled with phone calls to insurance companies, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it.  Maybe I should just go clean the living room right now, light a candle, and go at it.  It's only almost midnight. I wonder if I can muster another hour of energy to finish it up.  That way I can mull over the completed ceremony tomorrow, rehearse it on Friday, tweak it Friday night after the rehersal (if necessary), and have a beautiful ceremony on Saturday.

After spending a good chunk of yesterday & today on the phone with my insurance company & various midwives, it looks like I'll be having a homebirth.  They'll pay for the whole thing.  I found two that are willing to take me on this late.

I'm meeting with one midwife tomorrow afternoon, but she's rather far away and I worry about her getting to me in time, considering that Rocketboy made his appearance in less than 4 hours.  She's in upper Manhattan, which is something like 15 miles away.  Anywhere else that would be no big deal, but in terms of NYC that translates to anything from 45 minutes to 1.5 hours away in normal traffic and probably 1.5 hours by subway.

After setting that meeting I heard back from another midwife who is far more local - 15 minutes away at best.  We're meeting Friday morning first thing.  She's willing to take me on only because this is not my first and I have a no-complications track record.  

I have mixed feelings about it.  In part, I'm concerned about connecting with either of these midwives with so little time for us to get to know each other. That's why I'm keeping the meeting with the uptown midwife.  If I just don't click with the local one it won't matter how close she is.  

I'm also feeling miserable about leaving my current midwives.  Mostly because I feel like I'd be breaking some sort of loyalty to them.  It feels like I'd have to break up with someone.  Of course when I look at the cost, I'd much rather save the $6K and start a nice college fund for the new babe.

What I don't have any qualms abotu is the act of giving birth at home.  With the super nesting that I've been doing, I feel much better about our home being ready.  As I get bigger and the day gets closer, I can't help but think that it woud be nothing but a hassle to leave my house in the middle of labor.  I was planning to do most of my labor at home anyway, so why not just stay put? 

Now I just have to learn a whole new set of logistics.  What an adventure!

Again, a lousy iPhone pic, but I still like it and you can cleary see my outie. I'm also including an older pic that I really like from our vacation in June, when I was 6 months along.